Count to Ten
by roofietoof
Summary: Count to ten to get through the hard times.


_Count to ten._

It was a trick Kara had learned when she was little, growing up with her mother. She counted to ten to get through the hard times.

_Count to ten before picking yourself up off the floor to wash the blood from your face, just in case she isn't done. Count to ten before leaving the closet that you've been hiding in, just in case she isn't really gone._

As she got older, the dynamic changed. As she got bigger and more capable of defending herself, the ritual evolved. Then, when she counted to ten, it was to keep from striking back. To keep from murdering dear, sweet mommy with her bare hands.

_'Go ahead and leave.'_ She remembered her mother saying. _'You're worthless. Nobody else will want you.'_

Kara had counted to ten and then walked out of her mother's house for the last time.

She still did it.

_Count to ten. Breathe. Just stay here in this cockpit and count to ten_.

She always did it before she got out of her plane. Before she smiled her patented Starbuck grin and shared victory laughs with her fellow pilots. She did it so she could simmer down a little bit, so that they wouldn't see how scared she still sometimes got that she pushed the envelope as much as she did.

"We're desperate." Tigh said coldly. "And desperate people can't be picky."

"I realize that, Colonel." Lee said looking around the room at Tigh, his father and her. "But just because we're desperate, that doesn't mean that we can be reckless. We can't send people out there if they are not ready to sit in those planes."

_Bastard._ She wondered if he had unconsciously directed that at her.

"I guess you're right. Gods know that there are some people that just don't have the chops to fly a Viper." Tigh replied absently.

Her eyes moved slightly to look over at Commander Adama and she noticed an almost imperceptible wince spread across his face.

_Count to ten._

"He still goes to see her. Did you know that?" Hotdog asked the group of pilots sitting at the card table. "He still goes to see her. Everyday. Can you believe that?"

_1….2….3….4…._

She sometimes wondered why she continued to do this to herself. To sit through the increasingly stupid conversations of these morons just because they could hold their own in a game and still hadn't caught on to when she was bluffing.

"It's disgusting." Kat replied.

"Yeah, doesn't Helo know that only _women_ are supposed to have sex with machines?" He laughed.

_Just keep counting, Kara. Don't get involved. They don't understand anyway_.

"Maybe we should give him a break. We don't know what he went through on Caprica." Someone else said. Kara didn't notice who. She was too busy counting.

_5…..6….7….._

"The guy's just an idiot, that's all I'm saying."

_Just count to ten. Fold your cards, leave the table and don't say a word._

"Either that or a traitor." Hotdog finished.

_8…..9….10_

"I'm out." She said, getting up and putting her cards on the table. "Goodnight, everybody. Oh, and you…." She said pointing her finger at Hotdog. "_You_ need to learn to keep your _frakking_ mouth shut before all your teeth get knocked out of it."

With that she left. Everybody at the table silently staring after her.

Okay. Sometimes the counting didn't work.

_1….2….3…..4…. Stupid frakking idiots. Maybe if these nuggets would learn to keep things where they belonged I wouldn't have to resort to counting in my head all the time_.

She heard him walk into the room where she stood reorganizing supplies.

"Hey." He said quietly. "You busy?"

"Yeah, as a matter of fact. I seem to be stuck doing everybody's job today." She laughed. "Well, except for the ten people's jobs that you seem to do everyday."

She had her back to him, but she could still tell he was smiling at her remark.

"You think you'll be busy in an hour?" He asked.

"Don't know. I've learned not to plan my day that far in advance, CAG."

"I need to talk to you about rearranging the flight rotation." He stated, coming up to stand beside her.

_Rearranging the flight rotation_. She closed her eyes. It was code. Because coming up to each other and saying 'I'm having a really bad day and the only way I can think of to keep from killing myself is to frak you' just wasn't appropriate.

"Yeah?" She questioned, glancing over to look at him.

"Yeah." He replied, not looking at her as he offhandedly picked something up and immediately put it back down in exactly the same spot.

_Count to ten, Kara. Count to ten and then say no. Because this is self-destructive. It's unhealthy. It's wrong. Say no because you both deserve better than this. Well, HE deserves better in any case. 1…..2…..3…._

"Do you think you could come see me in an hour, Lt?" He asked finally looking at her.

_Count to ten and then say no. 4…..5…..6….._

"Sure." She said. Her smile not baring teeth. "I could do that."

An hour and fifteen minutes later she was breathing heavily underneath him on the floor of his office. Listening to the sound of his breath in her ear, feeling the beat of his heart against her chest.

_Just count to ten, Kara. 1….2….3…. Count to ten, count to ten, count to ten._

Because she could feel it coming. She could almost feel that amazing, twisted, buckling feeling that she always felt when she was with him like this.

_4…..5….. Oh, gods. Count to ten. Count to ten and don't make a sound. Don't whimper, don't moan, don't scream, and don't cry out. Because he can't know. He can't know how much this means to you. He can't know how much this permeates every part of your being. He can never know._

She could feel his lips on her neck, his fingers tracing her collarbone.

"Oh, gods." She breathed out. "Oh, gods. Lee." And she let it come.

Counting be damned.

When she finally fell back to him, she could feel him moving faster inside of her, his breathing becoming erratic, his fist clenching in her hair.

"Kara." He whispered as she felt him shatter above her.

He lowered himself down to her and laid his head in the curve of her shoulder, trying to get his breathing back to normal and unclenching his fist to dance across the side of her face.

When he finally disentangled himself from her, she felt cold, and empty, and alone again. And she felt something wet fall down her cheek.

They both looked up at the ceiling, breathing in short, staccato breaths.

"I love you." He whispered almost inaudibly.

She shut her eyes at the shallow stab of agony that those words caused within her.

_Count to ten. Cause that's the polite thing to do._

_Count to ten and then get up and leave._

"I think that Gaeta is right." She said walking down the corridor with President Roslin in step beside her. "It could very well take two to three years to get there if we go at sublight speed. But I seriously think that we should consider doing that, because making the entire journey in faster-than-light jumps would just be hell on our FTL drives, and it could possibly use up all of our tylium reserves, and we don't know if……" She had walked several more paces before she realized that the other woman was not beside her anymore.

She turned around to look back in the direction from which she came and saw the President leaning against the hallway wall with her eyes closed and a hand clutched to her chest.

"Madam President. You alright?" Kara asked walking back towards her.

"Yes." Roslin breathed out shallowly. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just haven't been fff-feeling very well today."

"That's okay, Ma'am. Take as much time as you need."

Kara closed her eyes_. Just count to ten. Because the President of the Twelve Colonies can not, she WILL not see you cry. 1…2…3…._

"Just stay here for a minute. Rest. Just breathe in… and out." She paused, her voice hitching in her throat. "And count to ten."

-finis

Okay. That's it. No more for a while. I'm shutting my computer off and I've given my roommate Liz orders to forcibly restrain me if she see me walking towards it. At least for another 24 hours.


End file.
